What has happened in my life in the last many years cannot go untold.
And for many reasons.
It is far too much to keep only in my head and my heart, for starters. Second, it doesn’t simply affect me, but affects many of the people I know and love who surround me—even those that I don’t know. And further, it could, just maybe, provide you not only a greater understanding of who I am, but could give you a greater understanding of yourself and the decisions you have made, might not wish to make, or have been made on your behalf.
It will come in time and it will come in full.
But, it will come in spits and spurts for the time being—as it has for a long time. Not only in words, but in pictures and quite often in metaphor and innuendo.
Perhaps ‘metaphor and innuendo’ are analogous to the learning of a language. At first, one can say nothing. But they murmur their way through the early stages, slowly developing words until the lights go off and they are communicating in full. I am, yes, ‘learning a language’—how to communicate and, with it, an entirely new vocabulary.
For now, I will say this: this new reality is incredibly isolating.
I have always been happy alone.
But, most people don’t realize how much they need people until they are gone, and those who enjoy being alone still, by and large, need people by virtue of the fact that they are members of the human race—a social race.
In the course of many years I have been more and more forced into isolation. Some of that was the result of my own choices, but it happened nonetheless. That was capped when my marriage fell apart and my wife couldn’t take it any longer, deciding not only for herself, but for her husband and six children that the marriage was over. Barely beginning to digest that reality, now the children are basically gone as well: I get to see them for six full days a month and small parts of some other days. In this time you can’t come close to even poorly mimicking a ‘family’. It is now fundamentally altering my relationship with them and them with me. That isn’t something I can overcome without both time and ‘normal’ interactions. And that is their mother’s choice.
So in the course of a few years I first lost many friends and then lost a family with six children. My life went from chaos (even a good kind), to silence (even a bad kind).
This kind of silence and isolation is not what is meant by an ‘introverted paradise’.
It is hard to go long periods not only without meaningful human interaction, but where few if any people see you or can hear you, and more, wish to enter into a true friendship—an exchange of persons—with you. Your spouse understands you the most, supposedly more than any other human on earth—and doesn’t want the marriage. Your children are gone. That’s your family. Everyone else only gets part of you. There is a lot in my head and heart and there always has been. So the parts of me that people get is still quite little in comparison to what’s actually going on in there.
While I might be on the introverted side of a spectrum (though how far past the middle, I am unsure of), I do need people and I desperately need to communicate.
I pass my time writing, drinking coffee, thinking, reading and writing some more, yet longing for substantial human interaction. For the few people that not only ‘hear’ me, but share themselves with me, I am very grateful.
Most importantly, I cling to my faith that somehow, someway, the hand of God is guiding this situation. Because that is what I must believe.
This will all take me time. A lot of time. Bear with me as I learn this new language.
Be well. +++